I might not leave the house today. I haven't decided yet. All I am reminded of is my daddy who used to get so annoyed when I would sniffle instead of blowing my nose. Tennessee pollen is a bitch, and I would hate to be in public with this nose of mine right now. Surely my yarn friends love me enough to ignore my honking nose blowing, but I wouldn't go anywhere else today.
Yesterday was a great day, despite being outdoors from 9:00 until 1:40(which certainly didn't help my above mentioned situation). We have a teacher whose husband has cancer, and we did a Spring Fling as a fundraiser. It was like a little carnival on the regular middle school's football field. We had a dunking booth with teachers in it, a concession stand, and many different games. I was a bundle of nerves for several days before this event, because we typically have so much order and our students are monitored so closely. All I could picture was students sneaking off to fight, make out, break things, etc. I feel quite guilty now for having so little confidence in our students, because not one of those things happened. Instead, the students played the games we had set up, walked around with their friends, and even stopped to chat at my booth every now and then to keep me company. One guy would bring prizes he had won but didn't want and drop them into the bowl at my booth so that other kids could win them. I was amazed at it all, and my heart needed this boost as much as some of our students needed that little bit of freedom and relaxation time. A good time was had by all for a good cause.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Stuck
Today I went to help a friend paint a room in her new house. It didn't start off well. Not ten minutes into it, I stepped off the stool and into the uncovered air conditioning vent. It scared me more than anything. I just have a little scrape with a knot under it on my shin. It could have been a lot worse. After I calmed down and put ice on it for a few minutes, we got to work. We listened to some music on Pandora and talked.
I guess the talking part has me stirred up. We talked about some people we mutually know and how their relationship is about to end. We also talked about our own past relationships. Sometimes when I start to think about my upcoming marriage (in December) I start to feel a bit nauseated. Not due to a lack of loving him or to having second thoughts, but just a sharp fear at the realization that it may or may not work. I try to put on my big girl panties and tell myself that if 50% of marriages in our country end in divorce, then we're golden because I already had one. It doesn't work. I don't know what will. Sometimes I hope that after we say our vows this feeling will just suddenly go away, but I don't think it will. I think I'll always be a little afraid that it could end. I can't decide if this is irrational or realistic.
I do know that recently I've had more problems with anxiety, and that I think it's related to the time getting closer. I'm supposed to start knitting my wedding skirt and sweater when school is out, and that's only two weeks away. I hope that the knitting spree is a chance to meditate on positive thoughts and not worrisome ones. I think the increased anxiety also has to do with the fact that my ex and I are finally getting ready to put "our" house on the market. There is a sense that this is the very last tie that I have to him, and this causes me to grieve a little again over our failed marriage.
I can't put that into words right. I don't want it to sound like I want us to try things again. There's just this idea that we had a chance at something that should have been a lifetime together, and we both managed royally fuck it up. There is something to be said about learning from the mistakes I made, but nothing gets rid of the regret. Nothing.
I guess the talking part has me stirred up. We talked about some people we mutually know and how their relationship is about to end. We also talked about our own past relationships. Sometimes when I start to think about my upcoming marriage (in December) I start to feel a bit nauseated. Not due to a lack of loving him or to having second thoughts, but just a sharp fear at the realization that it may or may not work. I try to put on my big girl panties and tell myself that if 50% of marriages in our country end in divorce, then we're golden because I already had one. It doesn't work. I don't know what will. Sometimes I hope that after we say our vows this feeling will just suddenly go away, but I don't think it will. I think I'll always be a little afraid that it could end. I can't decide if this is irrational or realistic.
I do know that recently I've had more problems with anxiety, and that I think it's related to the time getting closer. I'm supposed to start knitting my wedding skirt and sweater when school is out, and that's only two weeks away. I hope that the knitting spree is a chance to meditate on positive thoughts and not worrisome ones. I think the increased anxiety also has to do with the fact that my ex and I are finally getting ready to put "our" house on the market. There is a sense that this is the very last tie that I have to him, and this causes me to grieve a little again over our failed marriage.
I can't put that into words right. I don't want it to sound like I want us to try things again. There's just this idea that we had a chance at something that should have been a lifetime together, and we both managed royally fuck it up. There is something to be said about learning from the mistakes I made, but nothing gets rid of the regret. Nothing.
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