Hoping for Others

One of our teachers had a massive heart attack over Thanksgiving break. He had 100% blockage in one place and 90% in another. He survived and should be getting a different room soon, and I think at that point we'll get the information to visit and send cards.

One of my knitting friend's has a brother who had a massive stroke Wednesday morning. They were in New Jersey at the time, and he's in Trenton at a really good hospital. They went into his brain and removed the clot, but he isn't stable enough to be moved. His speech and expression area was affected, but he has been able to say a couple of words. He also has existing heart trouble, which is making things even more difficult.

When I first started teaching in the county, I was an assistant soccer coach, and one of the girls who was a senior that year committed suicide Tuesday or Wednesday. She had a four year old daughter, and I feel so sad for her family. Especially her daughter. A four year old knows enough to ask, "Where's Mommy?" and I can not imagine being the person who has to respond.

I'm overwhelmed by how much happens to people, to families. It's hard anytime, but around the holidays it seems even worse, if that's possible. Thanksgiving will never just be Thanksgiving anymore for some because their loved ones passed away or had severe health problems. It will be a marker as time passes. Of course, if healing happens, then I guess next Thanksgiving will be that much more special, because of their recovery. I hope they do all have tremendous recoveries, and I hope that the girl's family will hold each other up.

Insert title here.

It's a full moon. When I first started my current job, people told me the kids are worse around a full moon and any sort of vacation. I sort of snorted at that, but I really think there's some truth in it now. So, I'm really curious about the kind of short week we will have, considering both those are going on. Should be interesting.

I also have a birthday this week. I will be 29. I got to celebrate early on Thursday with some friends of mine, and we had a great add a dish meal and they gave me a huge bowl of assorted chocolate goodies. So, 29 is off to a sweet start (cheese overload pun intended)!

Education Here Needs a Good Bra

As in good support. I have had it with everything being the school's dilemma. Case in point: This week I had an out of school suspension guy with longish hair. It wouldn't have been an issue at most schools, but our dress code is that no one can have hair in his or her face. So the first day I gave him two of my own bobby pins so he could fix it, and told him to come back the next day with it out of his face. He didn't, so he had laps for violation of dress code. Another teacher told him that a high school boy had come in like that and had it cut at school. She never said that he had to do the same; she just shared that little tidbit.
The next day his mother wrote something on the daily report to the effect of, "I don't see why he has to cut his hair when he's only there for five days."
So I wrote, "He doesn't need to get it cut; he needs to find a way to keep it out of his face all day. Bobby pins or hair gel would be fine."
Her response? "Gimme a break!"
I shit you not. She even spelled it like that. I cannot express to you how very badly I wanted to staple a Kitkat to his daily. But I fought the urge and didn't write a response. You just can't argue sometimes and accomplish anything.

My point is this: How can we convince the kids it's important to follow rules if their parents so clearly don't give a shit? How can we change a child's behavior, work ethic, or attitude when we often get them in their teen years and only see them from 8-3ish? Some of our parents are stellar at backing us up and setting goals and limits with their kids, but then we get some like this guy's and it really depresses me.

My inner being today

Sometimes I just get in a foul mood. Today was one of those times, and most of it centered around the apartment. Clutter really influences how I feel, even though I know I shouldn't let it. When I moved in with Nathan, I thought we'd have more space than we really do, plus the rod in the closet has been broken for a couple of weeks, plus laundry had piled up, plus my vac's belt almost melted this morning. . .and so it goes. Nathan tried so hard to lighten my mood, and I tried not to direct any of my toxic aura at him. I hope I did okay on that end. He helped me clean the bathroom and fold clothes, and that was sweet of him. Right now it's only seven by the new time, and I wish it were eight because then I could just go on to bed. I might anyhow, actually, and try to be in a brighter mood tomorrow.

One Week

Last weekend I decided that I spend too much time on Facebook, so I decided to limit my use to Friday evening through Sunday evening. I made it a week on my technology diet and was happy that I was able to abstain. I was really very tempted several times and was able to wait. Ah, delayed gratification.

I went to one of the local high schools twice this week to hang out with a friend who was helping out with their homecoming. It was good to see a few former students. One of them showed me pictures of his toe when it got ripped off in a four wheeling accident during a trip to Michigan. One of them pointed out his new gauges in his ears, and I asked if they hurt when he made them bigger. He explained that it doesn't as long as you increase it correctly. It sounds random, but these were kind of kids that I most enjoyed teaching. I think they're interesting. I realized that this is the last group that I will have taught there and the last faces I'll recognize should I go to homecoming evening events next year. I felt a little sad at that.

With my own students this week, most things went well. I don't do a lot of hands on work with them, but I decided to test the waters with a propaganda exercise. We had defined six methods like bandwagon, testimonial, etc so I gave them a stack of magazines and told them to find an image for each one and to be ready to explain it. They were engaged, and this was a good sign. Sometimes I forget that trying to engage them can be important in learning. With so much focus on assessments and AYP I feel scandalous if I do much fun stuff because what's the line? Is the time spend flipping though the magazines to find these examples a waste of time? I would argue that it wasn't because they had to think of what would fit and what wouldn't, and they used their notes during the assignment.

Back to work we go!

This is the last day of fall break. I guess I'm ready for the week to begin in a way. We had wonderful weather, and I was able to get some tasks done around the apartment. I have my lesson plans for the week for my 6th and 8th graders. I somehow failed to realize that I had not printed the pacing guide for this grading period for my 7th graders, so I'll need to get there early to get that one done. Not too big of a deal, but I wish I had noticed. If I remember correctly, we have two welcome groups and one for behavior tomorrow, so I probably won't get to cover much material.

As for my blue sweater, I finished the back and cast on one of the sleeves. I would have done the sleeves at the same time, but I was at my mom's and only had the one ball of yarn. I'll post a pic of the back sometime soon.

Another thing going on is that Nathan should hear about the loan sometime tomorrow. I hope it goes through and am nervous about it. If it does, then we have all the prep and moving. If it doesn't, I know he'll be disappointed because he really loves this house we're trying to get. I do too, but I guess since I owned one with the ex it's not really the same thing. Fingers crossed for good news.

Goldenrod

Well, I finished something over fall break! I made this vest and added the hood by using another pattern in addition to the original one that just had a wide collar. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. The sleeve part blocked out a little wide, but that's okay because it's very comfortable. I've already cast on for my next project, which is a lovely pale blue sweater with a leaf design up the front left side. I can't wait to finish it. My goal is to have it done by the 23rd of next month, when I will turn 29. I feel that I should post pics of it along the way so that I can at least see progress. So, this one of the back. I'm just about to start shaping the armhole, and then it'll look a little more like a sweater. Hopefully.

Dreaming of Wallpaper

So last night I had a dream in which I moved in with my ex-husband. We didn't live in our old house, but in a different one. In my dream, we had just bought one and it had a nice country view, but it also had really shitty wallpaper. In one room it was a rose color and in another it was a blue. I remember touching it, and it was all buckled up and not really stuck to the wall. I talked about which room I thought we should redo first, and I tried to clean the hardwood floor in one room. I was happy to wake up from the dream; it was tiring with all the house work and remodeling!

Then of course I tried to analyze it. I know it was rooted in the fact that yesterday I actually had to see my ex to get a key to our old house from him in case anyone I know wants to see it. I guess if the house were to represent my life, it would still be in the process of getting rid of the old stuff that wasn't working. Dreams are fun to analyze.

Some white girl rap for ya

Gangbanger wannabes
Not gonna live to see their twenties.
Trying to be something they're not
No fear that one day they'll get shot.
We try to warn em
We try to tell em
But knowledge is like a drug
We just can't sell em.




My ghetto response to the week. We had to have a behavior/problem solving group on a student for having a tattoo on the web of his thumb. It's thought to be gang related, and even though he says he's not trying to be in one, I worry. This kid is smart and should be out playing baseball or riding four wheelers but instead he's marking himself with what could be deadly. It makes me sad.

I am ready for the trees to look like that. There's something so refreshing about fall. I guess it's finally being able to feel a little cool air after the summer. I'm going to sit out on the deck and knit for a while. I'm still working on the green baby blanket I posted about a couple weeks ago. The pattern actually works up fairly quickly, so I know I can get done with it by January. If I don't get distracted by other projects along the way, of course.

I should be cleaning my closet and packing, but something tells me I'm not going to. Next weekend is a long one because of Labor Day, so I figure I can get a lot of house chores done then. I've already packed three boxes of books, and I can do a couple more this weekend just to feel like I've made progress. I'm looking forward to moving in with Nathan in October, but I'm also nervous about it. Some people may frown on what I'm about to say, but that's to be expected I guess. I think I want to live with him for a longer period of time than I did with my ex-husband before getting married (assuming that's what we're moving toward). The ex and I only lived together for three months before getting married, though I had known him for about five years and we'd dated for about two of those years. Something is different when you live with someone.

Forgiven

I have been forgiven, and it came with tears and relief and smiles. Four years ago I did some selfish and stupid things. My ex-husband and I planned a wedding only to elope maybe a full week before it was to have happened. Some of my friends planned showers for me, and I left a friend out of them and then the wedding itself. I did not do these things on purpose but out of carelessness. She lived in Kentucky at the time, which isn't so far away but I didn't think she would come. I thought it wasn't a big deal. I was very much mistaken.

She was hurt and angry, rightfully so. We didn't talk after that. A couple years ago we "friended" each other on MySpace, but never actually exchanged comments. A couple of weeks ago, I got a friend request from her on Facebook which I accepted, and today she sent me a message with her phone number in it. She said she had been talking about me with someone and wondered what I was doing, and that I could call her. At first I was afraid to. I called her while Nathan was here for support, but she didn't answer. She sent me a text saying she was at work but got off at 2:30, and could she call me then? And she did.

We talked for about an hour as though our past had not happened, and in the end I told her I was surprised that she sent me that message. She said that she missed me and if I wanted to be friends again we could. She said she wasn't sure if I would, but assured her that I do. I was so happy about it I started crying on the phone and was a little embarrassed until she did too. We plan on starting fresh and I invited her to our Thursday knit-togethers at the yarn shop since she crochets. I will be a better friend this time. I will not be selfish and careless with something as fragile and as valuable as this "new" friendship.

Entitlement License

Yesterday afternoon was interesting. I was in the turning lane to go to Kroger for gas, and there was a car in front of me and two behind me. The car in front of me turned, and I almost did but I decided to wait because a car was coming. I probably did have time, but I err on the side of caution and don't like pulling out in front of people. Anyhow, the second car behind me pulls out of the turn lane, around me and the other car, and whips into Kroger. We were both getting gas, so I went to talk to her. I said, "Sorry I was so slow to turn, but if what you did had caused a wreck, it would have been bad for both of us."
"Well, you were just sitting there."
"That's because a car was coming."
"It was way on down. You had plenty of time."
"All I'm saying is that I'm glad we weren't in an accident."
"That wouldn't have happened because you weren't going anywhere. I could see that."
"I'm so glad you understand what I'm saying," I said sarcastically as I walked off.
Seriously? This woman couldn't wait an extra 30 seconds so she created her own driving rules? I was so irritated. And she was so bitchy about it as if to say who was I to call her out on this when I was obviously just in the way. Anyhow, I told my mom about it yesterday and this morning when I talked to her, she said I'm just like my dad because she wouldn't have said anything. I wasn't mean about it, so I think it was okay. I was telling a coworker about it today, and she said people just feel so entitled to do whatever they want for some reason. She said even if the woman had been spotted by a cop, she would've still blamed her actions on me. We teach our middle school kids to take responsibility for their actions, and here was a middle age woman who couldn't manage to do it. Oh well.

The rest of the evening was quite nice. Nathan took me out to eat Mexican food, and then I went knitting for a little while. I started a baby blanket for my friend and coworker Lisa. It's bright green and has a tight lace pattern. I found the pattern here www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/pine-forest-baby-blanket#. It will look like this when it's done.

Except mine is solid green and I used a size smaller needle that what the yarn called for, so the lace pattern isn't as open. My friend Diane said she worries about lace baby blankets because they could get their little fingers hung in the holes.

No salt, please.

This looks just like the slug I caught a little while ago. I put it in a mason jar with some grass in it and topped it off with a Ziploc bag and rubber band. I made sure to poke some air holes in the bag and I put some water in the jar, just in case. I plan to take it to school tomorrow to give it to the science teacher for the day for the kids to see, and then I'll set it free somewhere. I've never seen one this big. The picture doesn't do it justice; it's about as long as my index finger and as thick as my pinkie. It's called a tiger slug. Freaking huge!

In other news, today I gave my class the assignment of looking up eight terms dealing with genres for homework. I told them if they were certain they had access to a good dictionary or the internet at home, they didn't have to take their literature books with them (they're quite heavy, and our students can't have backpacks). This one kid raises his hand to tell me he's got a dictionary at home that has some sign language in it. He continues to say, "I only know sign language for two words. 'You' and 'suck'". Really? This was coming from a sixth grader, by the way. So I just looked at him and in my nicest voice asked if he thought that was appropriate for class. He said no, and I said that I agreed. I gave him his consequence and told him that it wasn't a very nice thing at all to have said. On the inside, I was thinking, "I know sign language too. This is the sign for I'm not concerned that you think I suck *shoulder shrug*."

I'm so glad tomorrow's Friday. Not because of stuff like that-that's pretty mild, and I really have learned not to take it personally. Some of our kids just ooze anger, frustration, and hopelessness. I don't think they're hopeless though (and no, I'm not making a bad pun). I'm just not used to the getting up early thing yet. Coffee helps motivate me though, even if it doesn't really wake me up.

I'm also sort of excited about the weekend because our ten year reunion is Saturday night. I wasn't going to go, but then I changed my mind. I hardly ever have an excuse to dress up, so that appealed to me. I found a great dress that was on sale. It's silk, and has green, yellow, purple, and some brown in it. At this point, I would go just to be able to wear that dress somewhere! Of course it'll be good to see some of the people I've lost touch with. I have most of my friends on Facebook, but it's different to actually be around a person and talk with them. I do wonder when Facebook will more or less eliminate the idea of the high school reunion.

Knitting

This is the only thing I can knit recently. It's a top down cardigan that has no seams, and is basically just stockinette after the increases at the top. I'm holding it together because it'll have a button there and will fit properly. People say to beware of patterns involving a model tugging at the piece or sitting all twisted funny because it means the piece doesn't fit right somehow. This one will when it's done because my friend Frances did a class on finding your measurements and gauge and general sweater magic. It requires little thought at this point, which is what I need in a knitting project right now. I have awful knitting ADD and several projects in progress. I have a list of things I want to get done by Christmas, and I would be working on them, but I am on a bad knitting spree. I'm going to blame the full moon. I was working on a little shawl, but I made a mistake in it somewhere. I'm not going to take it out because of how many stitches are involved, plus it's for me and I'm okay with some imperfections. The shawl mistake was followed by a hat oops.

Yesterday, I was working on Nathan's Cobra Commander hat, and goofed on the color change somehow and ended up with black where I should have put red. I have to take out about an inch of it to get back on the right track, even though he assured me he would still like it if I just kept knitting. I'm going to fix it tomorrow at the yarn shop because I'm not very good at undoing and repairing, and there's always a better knitter there who is willing to help. So, today I'm just going to work on my cardigan and read some. I also have to do the typical Sunday stuff like grocery shopping and laundry to get ready for the week. We have in service this week, and then school begins, so I have to get back to a somewhat regular routine again.

Is today over yet?

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Back to School

Tomorrow is the first day of in service for my school. We have three extra days for specific training in dealing with kids with behavior problems. And the surprising part is that I don't dread going back. I've had a great summer, but as it comes to its closing point I am okay with it. Last year at this time I was so nervous because it was my first year at this school. Then it flew by, and I am pretty convinced that this year will be about the same as far as that goes. Some of the same students will be returning, and we'll get new ones of course. No day is ever really the same and it keeps things interesting.

Home Again

We got back into town Saturday night and I slept better then than I had at almost any point during the trip. I say almost because I had a great fever nap on one of the days. . .I think it was Friday. Nothing major, just sinuses. I had a great time away. The hotel we stayed at was right on the beach, and the view from our deck was all sand and ocean. We all got along, which is surprising to me because it was his mom and step-dad, his three nieces, his nephew, he, and I in one hotel room. Now, it had two bedrooms and bathrooms, mind you, but it was still close quarters. I like his family and didn't expect to have any disagreements, but traveling had always been an issue in my previous relationship. In fact, our most hellacious arguments usually occurred when we were away from home or when we got back from somewhere. Looking back on that makes me sad because vacations should be happy times. And now they are.

Yesterday Nathan took me to my mom's because my car decided to die in the parking lot of a local coffee shop that I stopped at on the way. He was really sweet about it even though I woke him up to ask him to pick me up. The three of us had lunch together. My mom had cooked boiled corn, stewed squash, field peas, and bacon. Truly good, Southern cooking. I now fully believe my mom likes Nathan because she invited him to make a plate to take with him. I picked up Jeff, and she said he had done just fine. He and Gypsie, mom's dog, got along well after they adjusted to each other. I was relieved because Gypsie really dislikes other dogs.

Today I spent most of the day at the yarn shop. I loved being back there with my friends and all the yarn surrounding me. I'm working on a shawl which is mostly done in garter stitch, with some lace detailing on the bottom, and a row of loops. I don't like the loops, so I'm going to change it to picot and see how it goes. I think it will look better because the lace section had triangles, not circles. Patterns are just suggestions after all. Tomorrow our county is promoting a "Twenty on the Twentieth" to get us to spend money to help the economy. My twenty will be spent there on a new pair of needles, size 1. . .and maybe some sock yarn. I have enough yarn for the big projects I need to get done before the holidays, but you can never have too much sock yarn in the stash. I would have worked on a sock at the beach if I had brought my needles with me, but I only had my size 6 circulars. When I was discussing what to knit on the beach, one of my friends said I could do socks on the beach, which lead to a serious Beavis and Butthead moment. I actually still think it's funny. Heh, heh, heh, meh, heh.

thoughts on family

Today was my great-aunt Hazel's funeral. She had been in the nursing home for some time now. She went through hip replacement about a year ago and went downhill from there, and she had pneumonia about six weeks ago which just made things so much worse. At the funeral, one of my cousins, Katie, sang beautifully. I didn't even know she could sing. I saw my cousin Sara's six week old daughter, as well as her older two. I had never met them before, and they're so cute. They have the longest hair, just like their mom. I realized today just how disconnected we are.

If I had to tell you any of my cousins' birthdays, I couldn't. If you were to ask my mom's favorite color, I'd tell you mauve since she used to always pick lipsticks in that color, or maybe green because she likes to garden, but I don't really KNOW. I talk to her on the phone everyday and go to her house at least once a week, so it's not like we don't communicate. With distant family, I think it was different when I was a kid, at least on my mom's side. I can remember big family meals for Thanksgiving and on Sundays different relatives would usually visit my grandmother, who lived across the street. But then people who were the "glue" of the family started dying, and things changed. Relatives on my dad's side would come down, too. There were just fewer it seems, and the two sides rarely all got together. There wasn't a feud or anything so dramatic. It was just scheduling.

If I ever get to have children, I doubt they will be very close to their cousins either, because I don't think any will be close to their ages. My cousins have already built families of their own, and I think one is planning to have another at some point because she has two boys and has told her grandmother she wants a girl, but she's the only one I know of who is planning to have more.

Speaking of kids, Tina and I are going to get to see our friend Keli's baby tomorrow. I'm so excited about that. She was born on Father's Day and weighed almost six pounds, so she's still tiny. Tomorrow, I also have to finish some last minute things for vacation so I can take it easy Friday. I think we're leaving around 2:00 am Saturday, so I picture napping some on Friday.

for the birds

I'm trying to decide what to take to knit during our beach trip next week. I think I've decided on a lace scarf since it's lightweight and doesn't take up a lot of space. I can cram lace in a small makeup bag and throw it into my purse. I'm almost finished with the purses I'm crocheting for Nathan's nieces for this trip. Here's a picture of the last one in progress. It's going to have a drawstring at the top when it's done.

Not related to needle arts, but I wish I had been able to get a picture of a crazed bird earlier. That bird's nest beneath the deck now has hatchlings in it, and mama bird does NOT like it when Jeff (my dog) and I are on the porch. She was in a tree across from us and flew straight at me. She swerved at the last second, but I squealed like a little girl because I thought she had me. We went into the house shortly after that.

I'm wondering how easy it will be to sleep tonight. Not because I'm afraid of dreaming about birds attacking me, but because of the fireworks people are shooting. Does it make me anti-patriotic if I dislike fireworks? (I don't really see how it could, considering most of them are made in China.) I guess I like to look at them, but the noise gets old quickly. Especially when people start shooting them early.

When is a sweater more than just a garment?

I finished my two at a time socks today! They are knit from the toe up, and this is my first time doing socks with this method. I didn't do a pattern, because it was scary enough without one. Maybe next time. When I was finished with them I went to try them on, and I couldn't get them over my heels because I had bound off the stitches too tightly. I wasn't very excited to have to undo that because I've never undone binding off. Turns out it's like frogging any other row of stitches. To any non-knitters reading this, frogging is just tearing out a row (rip it, rip it). Today I also found a pattern for a vest that I really like here, but I am going to make myself wait to start it. I still have Emma's socks to do, and I'm going to knit a sweater for Nathan.

We have talked about this sweater. I know what he wants it to look like, and he even went with me to the yarn shop to pick out the color. I have the yarn in my stash, and have bookmarked several possible patterns to use. Now I'm starting to worry. We're fairly committed to each other in that we spend a lot of time together and we don't date other people, but we don't have any wedding plans. I would like to think we are making our way toward that. . .but we aren't there yet. To me, making someone a sweater is a sign of love or serious commitment. Or both.

I have heard people recommend that sweaters shouldn't be made for men during a relationship because it will scare them off. I don't actually think this will be the case with Nathan since he suggested the sweater. I guess it's scary for me because it says, "Oooooo. This is real. Hope you're ready." Sometimes I question having started a relationship so soon after separating (October) and divorcing (February). I didn't question it at all until I mentioned wanting to get married again and a friend asked if I was ready. Of course I still struggle with thoughts of that past relationship and how it went wrong, but I know it won't be mending. So it's not that I want to return to that. It's more of a fear that Nathan will also get bored, or decide that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, or change his mind on some crucial point. And it scares the hell out of me. I need to get past this because Nathan is a completely different person, and it's unfair to him in a way that I even think these things. So, I have decided to embark on this sweater the way some of my friends have done prayer shawls.

I have never made a prayer shawl, but my understanding is that they are knit up with positive thoughts and prayers for the recipient. You try to keep these up through the knitting. So as I knit this sweater, I'll remember how Nathan and I met and the dates we've been on. I'll think about the things I learned in my marriage and how I can hopefully do some things differently (and I will not allow myself to dwell on that failed relationship). I'll pray that during difficult times/disagreements we'll strive to be understanding of each other and kind. If I can do this and make a wearable sweater, I think it will good.