Stuck

Today I went to help a friend paint a room in her new house. It didn't start off well. Not ten minutes into it, I stepped off the stool and into the uncovered air conditioning vent. It scared me more than anything. I just have a little scrape with a knot under it on my shin. It could have been a lot worse. After I calmed down and put ice on it for a few minutes, we got to work. We listened to some music on Pandora and talked.

I guess the talking part has me stirred up. We talked about some people we mutually know and how their relationship is about to end. We also talked about our own past relationships. Sometimes when I start to think about my upcoming marriage (in December) I start to feel a bit nauseated. Not due to a lack of loving him or to having second thoughts, but just a sharp fear at the realization that it may or may not work. I try to put on my big girl panties and tell myself that if 50% of marriages in our country end in divorce, then we're golden because I already had one. It doesn't work. I don't know what will. Sometimes I hope that after we say our vows this feeling will just suddenly go away, but I don't think it will. I think I'll always be a little afraid that it could end. I can't decide if this is irrational or realistic.

I do know that recently I've had more problems with anxiety, and that I think it's related to the time getting closer. I'm supposed to start knitting my wedding skirt and sweater when school is out, and that's only two weeks away. I hope that the knitting spree is a chance to meditate on positive thoughts and not worrisome ones. I think the increased anxiety also has to do with the fact that my ex and I are finally getting ready to put "our" house on the market. There is a sense that this is the very last tie that I have to him, and this causes me to grieve a little again over our failed marriage.

I can't put that into words right. I don't want it to sound like I want us to try things again. There's just this idea that we had a chance at something that should have been a lifetime together, and we both managed royally fuck it up. There is something to be said about learning from the mistakes I made, but nothing gets rid of the regret. Nothing.