Six Years

Six years ago this evening, my dad bought some candy bars and we put them in the freezer for us. He also bought some fireworks, which we didn't usually do since our hometown puts on a show, and we set them off in the driveway. It was a great 3rd of July.

The following day, sometime in the late afternoon, he had a fatal heart attack while taking a nap on the couch. I was working at the local grocery store, and a neighbor came to get me. I remember the numbing panic, and later the flood of tears. I recently reread Cathy Lamb's The Last Time I was Me, and when the narrator says she misses her mother like she would miss her arteries if someone removed them, I get it. We all get it.

It's getting easier to celebrate the 4th I guess. I still feel better about seeing the early and late fireworks, though. I especially like it when people shoot them on the 3rd (but I do get tired of the noise quickly). I value the holiday as anyone with an ounce of patriotism does. It's just such a layered feeling. I have decided that in a way it is a day of freedom for my dad. He is not burdened by working the long hours he did with the paving company, or the bugs he used to swear at as they zoomed by his head while he sat smoking cigarettes on the back porch. He didn't have to witness his dear sister's battle and loss with cirrhosis. He found a peaceful freedom. I am thankful there wasn't a long suffering.

A lot has happened in the six years that have passed, and I wonder what he would've had to say about it all. There's a country song by Chris Young called "Voices" and every time I hear it, I think about him. Because usually I can imagine what he would have to say, and usually it brings a smile to my face.

Tomorrow evening I will go spend the night with my mom. We'll sit on the back porch and catch glimpses of the fireworks from the local community center. But we won't be thinking of them. We will see their sparks and light, and remember the man who gave such a spark and light to our lives.

If anyone reads this, tell me what brings a spark and light to your life. I am bound and determined to stay positive this weekend. My response would be my family(and the memories of those who have passed), friends, and students.