Underwear Should be Concealed.

I am so tired of a particular student sagging his pants. It is offensive to me to have to see someone's underwear. It's not like I'm some perv looking at their bums, but if the pants are in the wrong position and there is color between the black shirt and khaki pants, then one can't help but notice. I thought my head was going to explode when I confronted him about the issue for the second time. Last week, I told him if I saw him sagging I would write him up. I guess he thought that applied only to that day...wrong! We went back and forth for a few minutes and it got to the point where I had to ask another staff member to take him to another room for about fifteen minutes so I could have a "time out" without leaving my other students. I wish students would understand that if they are clearly doing something it is pointless to deny it, and that if I correct them on something on one day, the expectation transfers to every day after that. Argh.

Deconstructive Criticism

My mom came to our place on Thanksgiving, which I was fairly excited about. She never came to a Thanksgiving when I was married the first time, so I thought it was a big deal. I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, straightened up the living room and dusted the coffee table. I made the food the way she used to when we had the meal at our house. I thought things were well prepared.

Well, one of the first things she said to me was, "You need to get him to get all that grass out from under the lawn mower. I don't see how it runs." I said, "You looked under the lawn mower?" She didn't really give me a straight answer, but I can picture her running her hand underneath it to check. She was later really nice about helping me with the dishes, which I appreciated because I hate that part. While we were in the kitchen, she went to throw something away and said, "I'm going to wipe that down. Look," and she pointed out that the underside of the trashcan lid was dirty. So she cleaned it and I felt like a slacker.

She met my future in-laws, we ate, she did compliment the food so I felt relieved at that. However, when I was at her house yesterday she said, "I just couldn't get over all that cat hair. Nathan's shirt was covered in it. I didn't know if I wanted to eat after seeing all that." We have three cats inside, so yeah we have a pretty good amount of cat hair. And yeah, I didn't clean the couch as well as I should've. But shit fire, I did what I thought was important to get things ready for company. Plus, she even told me not to wear myself out cleaning because it was just family coming over. Now I feel like I need to go all Martha Stewart on the house and lawn.

If all that wasn't enough, she's now anti-marriage. He worked for a rehab center which is under investigation for some things, and has been laid off for about a month. She interprets this as us being in the poor house for ever and ever. I don't think that way. At the end of the company's investigation they'll either reopen and put him back on the schedule, or he'll find something else to do. I asked her what she would've thought about people judging her and my dad because he worked for a paving company and was laid off every winter for about two months. She said that was different. Of course it was.

She told me I needed to ask if I was "bettering myself" by doing this. I told her it was a marriage, not a business move. I don't care that he doesn't have a college degree like I do. He's smart. He likes to read. He understands and loves me. What else could I want? Hell, I was married to a paramedic who made good money, we had a bigger house than Nathan and I do, and yet...there was so much missing. I don't know that I can explain it to her well, or that it would matter.

I don't see why she has to voice all her negative opinions. I guess I halfway get the whole I'm the only child and she just wants what's best for me idea, but when she says stuff like this it bums me out. I wish that she would consider my feelings before she comments. I don't want to tell her that though, because I'll sound weak and whiny, like this post does. I don't even know why I'm still typing when I could be cleaning. Ha, ha, ha.

A Very Good Sign Indeed

I'm not overly superstitious, but I do like to read into things. On Saturday I went to school to work on lesson plans, and my cousin called to see if I was going to be headed to my mom's soon because they were about to leave. I hadn't seen her in a while, so I left school and went to my mom's. I was going to visit with her anyhow when my planning for the week was done, and I didn't mind putting it off a while longer anyhow. I got there in about ten minutes, and we hung out on the back porch since the weather was nice. While we were talking about the subject of my wedding, my mom suggested that I try on her wedding dress, because she's like for me to wear it!

Now, this is a HUGE shift from her attitude toward my previous marriage. I can't see her offering the dress as anything except a good sign toward this union. I am so very excited to say that her dress did fit, and if the cleaners can get out a few rust stains from the hanger, I will be wearing it during the wedding ceremony.

My in real life friends know that I have been hand knitting a wedding dress to wear, and I have decided to finish it so that I can wear it at the reception. So all that knitting is not thrown out of the occasion.

Oh, and I did go back to school today to finish my lesson plans. I feel prepared for the week ahead, and that's always a good thing too.

Pests

It is 4:01 in the morning. I have been up since 2:30 because the dogs were scratching themselves...and then I started scratching, too. I swear I could feel fleas! I turned on the light and I could see a few of the little devils hopping around, so I did what any normal person would do. I gave the dogs a bath. At 2:30 in the morning. I also sprinkled Borax and salt on the carpets and mattress, and laundered the bedding. Nathan is getting some Frontline tomorrow, and those pills you can give dogs to kill fleas. Hopefully by the end of the week we'll have the flea population wiped out. I am already officially wiped out and am going to attempt to sleep in the basement, which is a pet free zone.

Fall Cleaning

I love fall. The colors and cooler weather somehow seem to wake me up. I feel more energized and ready to get things done, which is why I'm going to tackle some cleaning today. My mom let me borrow her sprayer, so I'm going to fill it with bleach water and spray the shutters and the underside of the back porch's roof. Then I'm going to do dishes, as there is a mountain of them. After that I'll make some progress on the living room, because if anyone walked in he or she would think we had just moved in last week, instead of almost a year ago. This isn't what I actually want to be doing, of course.

What I had rather do is sit around and work on my knit list. I have several projects on the needles and more I want to start. I'm working on a shawl for my friend in Kentucky. We're doing a craft swap: she's beading me earrings, a bracelet, and a lanyard and I'm knitting her a shawl. She already sent me the lanyard, so I have to get more progress made. I'm also working on a knit dress. It started off as a sweater, but yesterday I changed my mind about what it should look like. So, here goes messing with a pattern, which is scary. Extreme knitting...off road knitting...I don't know. I also have a cabled sweater I've started but it's hard to tell if I'm doing it right, so I'm going to do a couple more inches to see. I hope I don't have to rip it out. I also want to start some baby things for a friend of mine. I'm so excited to get to knit things for a baby girl! There are some cute things for little boys, but I love girl colors and delicate lace features.

So. My motivation for getting all that cleaning done is the fun I can have later with my yarn. And a canvas, too. I'm going to try some melted crayon art for the classroom. I saw it on Pintrest, and it looks interesting. You glue some unwrapped crayons to the bottom of a canvas, turn it upside down, and blast it with a hairdryer. I'm using shades of green, and I'm going to hot glue little fall colored silk flowers to the tops so the streaks look like stems. That's what it looked like the person who posted it had done. If it doesn't suck, I'll put some pics up later. We'll see.

So Good

Today I called my mom to tell her that we have an offer on our house. The family wants to lease it for a year, then purchase it at the listing price with the amount paid during the lease going toward the purchase amount. She went from being happy about that directly into giving me the advice to postpone my wedding for a year or two, until this business is settled. I told her that Nathan knows all about the house and that it's not a problem. She then went on to say that she just wishes I wasn't getting into this again, that she wishes I still had my own little apartment and the freedom.

I told her I have just as much freedom now as I would if that were the case. I walked into my hobby room and asked Nathan if when we get married, he will want me to stop knitting. He said no. I asked him if when we get married, he'll want me to stop hanging out with my friends. He said no. I asked him if when we get married and I want to get a big tattoo on my butt if that's okay with him. He said yes. I reported all of this to my mother, whom I was still on the phone with.

She said she wasn't trying to tell me what to do, but she'd just leave things like they are. That plenty of people live together for ten or fifteen years without being married. I asked what the point of that is since seven years is a common law marriage. I then told her that I was going to get off the phone, cook breakfast, pretend the conversation never took place, and call her later in the evening. She said she didn't want me to be mad at her, and I told her I wasn't but I didn't like our conversation. I told her I'd call her later, and I did.

I called her around 6:00 this evening and we talked about how hot it is, about my in-service tomorrow...all the normal things. We are so good at pretending sometimes. I will pretend to not be troubled by her comments, and she'll pretend to not think I'm making a mistake.

Ma'am?

I can't decide to be happy or offended. There was this guy with the hood of his truck up in the Kroger parking lot, really close to where I parked. When I came out, he was still there, so I asked him what the matter was with his truck. He didn't look young really. Maybe early twenties. He had tattoos, so that makes him at least eighteen, probably. He told me that if he drives it for more than an hour it overheats, but is fine. Thank you, ma'am. So the guy has good manners, which I like. But ma'am? Granted I was wearing a (somewhat matronly) dress, but I don't think I have ma'am status from people who are probably not that far behind me in age. Now, I should be happy because a week ago I was bitching about people thinking that because I'm young I am incompetent, so that's what I'll go with. I realize I can't have it both ways. I am happy he has good manners and added the ma'am.

Six Years

Six years ago this evening, my dad bought some candy bars and we put them in the freezer for us. He also bought some fireworks, which we didn't usually do since our hometown puts on a show, and we set them off in the driveway. It was a great 3rd of July.

The following day, sometime in the late afternoon, he had a fatal heart attack while taking a nap on the couch. I was working at the local grocery store, and a neighbor came to get me. I remember the numbing panic, and later the flood of tears. I recently reread Cathy Lamb's The Last Time I was Me, and when the narrator says she misses her mother like she would miss her arteries if someone removed them, I get it. We all get it.

It's getting easier to celebrate the 4th I guess. I still feel better about seeing the early and late fireworks, though. I especially like it when people shoot them on the 3rd (but I do get tired of the noise quickly). I value the holiday as anyone with an ounce of patriotism does. It's just such a layered feeling. I have decided that in a way it is a day of freedom for my dad. He is not burdened by working the long hours he did with the paving company, or the bugs he used to swear at as they zoomed by his head while he sat smoking cigarettes on the back porch. He didn't have to witness his dear sister's battle and loss with cirrhosis. He found a peaceful freedom. I am thankful there wasn't a long suffering.

A lot has happened in the six years that have passed, and I wonder what he would've had to say about it all. There's a country song by Chris Young called "Voices" and every time I hear it, I think about him. Because usually I can imagine what he would have to say, and usually it brings a smile to my face.

Tomorrow evening I will go spend the night with my mom. We'll sit on the back porch and catch glimpses of the fireworks from the local community center. But we won't be thinking of them. We will see their sparks and light, and remember the man who gave such a spark and light to our lives.

If anyone reads this, tell me what brings a spark and light to your life. I am bound and determined to stay positive this weekend. My response would be my family(and the memories of those who have passed), friends, and students.

Field Day

I might not leave the house today. I haven't decided yet. All I am reminded of is my daddy who used to get so annoyed when I would sniffle instead of blowing my nose. Tennessee pollen is a bitch, and I would hate to be in public with this nose of mine right now. Surely my yarn friends love me enough to ignore my honking nose blowing, but I wouldn't go anywhere else today.

Yesterday was a great day, despite being outdoors from 9:00 until 1:40(which certainly didn't help my above mentioned situation). We have a teacher whose husband has cancer, and we did a Spring Fling as a fundraiser. It was like a little carnival on the regular middle school's football field. We had a dunking booth with teachers in it, a concession stand, and many different games. I was a bundle of nerves for several days before this event, because we typically have so much order and our students are monitored so closely. All I could picture was students sneaking off to fight, make out, break things, etc. I feel quite guilty now for having so little confidence in our students, because not one of those things happened. Instead, the students played the games we had set up, walked around with their friends, and even stopped to chat at my booth every now and then to keep me company. One guy would bring prizes he had won but didn't want and drop them into the bowl at my booth so that other kids could win them. I was amazed at it all, and my heart needed this boost as much as some of our students needed that little bit of freedom and relaxation time. A good time was had by all for a good cause.

Stuck

Today I went to help a friend paint a room in her new house. It didn't start off well. Not ten minutes into it, I stepped off the stool and into the uncovered air conditioning vent. It scared me more than anything. I just have a little scrape with a knot under it on my shin. It could have been a lot worse. After I calmed down and put ice on it for a few minutes, we got to work. We listened to some music on Pandora and talked.

I guess the talking part has me stirred up. We talked about some people we mutually know and how their relationship is about to end. We also talked about our own past relationships. Sometimes when I start to think about my upcoming marriage (in December) I start to feel a bit nauseated. Not due to a lack of loving him or to having second thoughts, but just a sharp fear at the realization that it may or may not work. I try to put on my big girl panties and tell myself that if 50% of marriages in our country end in divorce, then we're golden because I already had one. It doesn't work. I don't know what will. Sometimes I hope that after we say our vows this feeling will just suddenly go away, but I don't think it will. I think I'll always be a little afraid that it could end. I can't decide if this is irrational or realistic.

I do know that recently I've had more problems with anxiety, and that I think it's related to the time getting closer. I'm supposed to start knitting my wedding skirt and sweater when school is out, and that's only two weeks away. I hope that the knitting spree is a chance to meditate on positive thoughts and not worrisome ones. I think the increased anxiety also has to do with the fact that my ex and I are finally getting ready to put "our" house on the market. There is a sense that this is the very last tie that I have to him, and this causes me to grieve a little again over our failed marriage.

I can't put that into words right. I don't want it to sound like I want us to try things again. There's just this idea that we had a chance at something that should have been a lifetime together, and we both managed royally fuck it up. There is something to be said about learning from the mistakes I made, but nothing gets rid of the regret. Nothing.

The End of Spring Break

A quick run down of what Spring Break was like for me. One great adventure on Wednesday night, and the rest of the days were a combination of knitting, cleaning, a dentist visit, and yard work. The week was mostly cold and rainy, so I didn't get much yard work done until the weekend. I was excited to be outdoors, whether it was to rake leaves or sit on the porch. I have another dentist visit Tuesday to discuss the options post root canal. The crown I did have had to be removed to get to some decay, so. . .here we are. Only four years down the road from the first crown, so insurance won't pay any on a new crown. I'm thinking of getting a stainless steel cap since it's cheaper and it's in the back. No one will see my grill. Which is almost unfortunate because it might have gotten me some street cred with my students. Oh, well.

My adventure was with some friends. We went to Red Boiling Springs,TN to stay at the Thomas House, which is a bed and breakfast that is haunted. No kidding. You can google it. It's a couple of hours from where we live, so it was a nice little road trip. We were the only ones staying there that night, with the exception of the people who own it and live there. It's a huge place (the picture above) with some themed rooms, an antique store inside, and a big dining room. We had a good stay. I caught some orbs with my digital camera which I'll post here eventually, and someone filmed a ball moving with no explanation (we had been out of the room for five minutes, no drafts, etc). I hope to go on another outing sometime.

Today I went to visit my mom. We had lunch together and when I got home I started a new project. Like I don't have enough projects in various phases of incompleteness. I'm working on a knitted frog for a friend's baby. I still have to make its head, put it together, and sew on eyes and a smile. That won't take long though...it's a small frog.

I'm slightly dreading going back to school tomorrow. I know we have two new students to do welcome groups on, and we have ten days until TCAP. We've worked hard, but I still feel panicked. I'll be so glad when the reviews are over, the tests have been submitted, and I can say, "Nothing to be done." (I love Samuel Beckett. I find I quote him when stressed.) Really though. Only then can a teacher breathe a sigh of relief. After that point, there's no use to worry. Whatever effort the students put in, whatever they remember, it's there and worrying won't change a damn thing.

Expletive Not Deleted

I usually call my mom every morning and evening. She only lives about twenty minutes away, so I typically go to visit on Sundays too when it's pretty outside. But today is cold and wet and I swear I saw a few snow flurries when I took the dogs out. So, I called her and told her I had been dreaming about school the past couple of nights.


Me: Tomorrow I'm getting a new kid who called the teacher the c-word.
Her:The c-word? What's that?
M:You know, a "c-u-n-t".
H: (Repeats the letters) I don't know.
M: (Pronounces it for her).
H: I've never heard of that. Is that like a S.O.B?
M: No, it's kinda like calling her a vagina.
H: Damn. I've heard it all.

And all of this before I'd had a cup of coffee. Today should be interesting.

Spring and Saturday

I'm so excited that it's almost March. Early spring at our new house has been fun for me so far due to all the flowers poking through the cold earth and layers of last fall's leaves. Buttercups are up and about to bloom, crocuses are blooming, irises and lilies are a an inch or two high, and then there are some surprise plants. I don't know what they are, but I'm excited about them. I love flowers and can't wait to be able to cut some for my desk and our table.




Yesterday I went to knit at the yarn shop, and didn't accomplish much. I picked out some elastic I had knit into the top ribbing of a leg warmer because I didn't like it. Today I need to stitch the elastic in so I can give them to their owner tomorrow. My class aid asked if I would knit a pair for her daughter who has a birthday in March. They were fun to make except for the elastic mistake.

Last night Nathan took me out to eat. We went to Shoney's for the steak and seafood buffet. I ate a lot of fried shrimp and had an upset stomach later. It's becoming a pattern for me though, so I don't think it was their food. I am going to have to avoid deep fried meats because even if I make homemade fried chicken the result is the same. It's weird because I can eat French fries and nothing happens. I guess it's my body's way of saying, "Think carefully before you eat. Choose healthier things!" I'd like to tell my body to shut the hell up and let me eat my fried shrimp in peace.

After dinner, we went to his mom's house. She's been sick with a blood clot in her leg, but they've given her some medicine that is supposed to take care of it. She has to give herself shots in the stomach twice a day for the next nine days. She showed us her belly, and it's all bruised. I hope this works and that it will dissolve. While we were there, she asked Nathan to bring up this big bag from their basement. It was full of beads and hemp twine that his sister had used to make necklaces. She passed away a while back, and his mom wanted to see if I could use any of the beads. I looked through them and took several pairs of beads to make earrings. I don't know how to do anything else, and I don't want to learn right now because it might overtake my knitting. I figure I'll make a pair of earrings from the beads for each of Nathan's nieces and his mom. I took a couple of wooden beads so I can thread them through some yarn and make a little necklace for the nephew because he had fun looking through the beads and would feel left out otherwise. The other beads I'll use to make some earrings for me. She had some really pretty ones and must have been pretty serious about her craft. Maybe someday one of her daughters will want to learn it and can use what she had.

Playing Catch Up

So, our superintendent of schools has said that we should catch up all failing students. Okay. An excellent idea. I think I will. We have small classes, and of the students we have, I have picked a pupil to be my "project" for the rest of the year. This student reads and writes on a 3rd grade level, and his math is about the same. I don't remember the exact math level, but I think it might be a little higher than the English. The important part here is that student has made it to the 6th grade with so few skills.

After some time toward the beginning of this year, we decided it would be in his best interest to be in the special education room where they work at a slower pace. His work in the regular ed. classes wasn't cutting it. He was there for about ten weeks, and then put back in the "regular" classroom. He was supposed to move to a different county, so our room was to be a transition from our program to the regular school. He ended up staying. Things have been sort of hectic since then, with preparation for the writing assessment and snow days and behavior issues. I can say all these things, but in my heart I know I should have done what I am about to do as soon as he came back into my classroom.

I know what grade level he is on, and I know that I cannot pull him up to a 6th grade level by the end of the year. That's all there is to it, demands from central office or not. But if we can get just one whole grade level higher, that would be something. That would be progress. So, tomorrow, we are going to start on 4th grade vocabulary. Maybe do a game of memory with the words and definitions. Heck, that's something the rest of the class could do with cards and no one would even know he had a different deck. But isn't it true that we all have a different deck?

What I hate most about this situation is that I know he isn't the only one. He's the only one in our program who is so far behind, but as far as the county goes, I know there are many more. I don't know why they continue to be passed when they obviously don't have the knowledge they should, but they are. I feel very grateful that I can pick one student to really focus on trying to catch up, but a teacher at a regular school would have so many more. How could a teacher at a regular school POSSIBLY be expected to catch up all failing students? In a class of juniors, there may be a couple on the 9th grade level in terms of writing and a few on the 10th grade level. Throw in one who is really far behind and on the 7th grade level for good measure. Then what?

I'll be honest here. I don't see what the problem with grouping students by ability is. Put students who are far behind together so that at least you can focus on where they actually are and go from there more easily. Put the average ones together and proceed. Put the above average ones together and challenge them (that apparently is okay, hence honors classes and A.P. classes). Why do away with the idea of basic classes? I taught some basic classes at the high school level and yes, maybe students were sometimes "embarrassed" to be labeled as "basic" but we made progress, damn it. Red birds, blue birds, at some point they will have to fly alone, and if we can't give them the tools they need because the theories in education are crippling us then no one wins.

That's it. I'm getting off my soapbox now. Thank you for being my audience.

Saturday that feels like Sunday

Well, I took down the tree, and now the living room looks naked. I guess it's better than having a Christmas tree up at Valentine's though. Which I think I did one year. It has felt like Sunday for most of the day. Probably because I didn't spend the day at the local yarn shop like I usually do. I went there this afternoon to help with inventory, and after that I worked on some socks, but that was it. I should have been working on a sleep sack for a baby one of my friends is going to have this month, but I didn't have it with me. I'll hopefully make some progress on it tonight. I have to go through clothes tomorrow to make sure I have outfits for the work week ready. We still have plenty of unpacking to do, but it's looking better. Maybe by the end of the month things will be organized.
Maybe that'll be a resolution.